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“I wanted to reach through the computer screen and kill the person,” Adam said.

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He has a slightly chubby build and messy, medium-brown hair.These men are usually middle-aged, unrepentant serial abusers who are caught only after remaining undetected for years. Anecdotal evidence suggests that most pedophiles first notice an attraction toward children when they themselves are between 11 and 16, mirroring that of any other sexual awakening.It can be a confusing time for any of us, but imagine realizing that you’re attracted to little kids. Or is it possible for them to live a life without hurting children at all? I came across a site for self-described pedophiles who acknowledged their attraction and wanted help dealing with it.By the time he reached 16, his sexual interest in kids had become more defined.He found himself attracted primarily to boys between three and seven and girls aged five to eight.When I pressed him about what he finds most attractive in a child, he shifted in the car seat from side to side, and eventually managed to say: “Small body, hairless legs, you know, things like that…

like small genitalia.” But there is a strong emotional pull, a potent idea of innocence that, he explained, is far more intoxicating than anatomy.

“I see an innocence in children that would be violated,” he said.

It is why the video of the toddler, out of everything he’d seen, rattled him.

How do these young men and women negotiate that with no viable role models or support network? But the men I met were in their 50s and 60s, and I’d hoped to speak with someone younger, someone still coming to terms with what he was learning about himself.

I asked them if they knew anyone like that, and a few weeks later I received an email.“My name is Adam,” it read.

“I’m 18 and non-exclusively attracted to boys and girls of all ages (particularly very young ones).